What type of drunk are you?

Being a college student at USC I know a thing or two about drunks.

I am certainly not here to discourage drinking, or encourage it….but rather to acknowledge that drinking has provided the world with entertainment beyond our wildest imagination.

Let’s take a moment to admire the variety of drunks in the world, none of which I will confess to, but let’s face it, we’re all guilty of a few.

The Emotional Drunk

The Emotional drunk is a buzz-kill on any night. Sorry ladies but this emotional reaction to alcohol is either performed pitifully by yourselves, or you fuck over a guy so bad that he has a nervous breakdown after a couple shots of gin. Either way, this tear jerking pathetic piece of embarrassment is a common yet never desired result of too much alcohol.

The Overly-friendly Drunk

“You’re the best man…awww jeez we’re so tight man….you’re the bestest friend I’ve ever had man…” Oh yeah, we’ve all seen this one. Some poor bastard played 1 too many games of beer pong and now he’s confessing his disturbing adornment for his friends. However, done the right way this drunk can inspire laughter and more good times, but done to excess….and you finally kick him in the bells and remind him that you’re not friends at all; you just go to the same parties.

The Fake Drunk

Ladies and short males, you got to stop faking how trashed you are. Not that half a Smirnoff isn’t a beastly load, but c’mon broad get a hold of yourself. Don’t blame alcohol for your hasty decisions, just be honest and say you really wanted dick that night! Oh and if I have another 5 foot tall guy talk about how drunk he is and that I’m lying about my sobriety, I might have to quit drinking all together….jk haha

The Fighter

After powering through another Jaeger-bomb and of course bragging because he finished chugging it before anyone else, this drunken bastard wants nothing more than a good brawl. This is the guy you want on your side at all times!!! However, the fighting drunk has been known to attack his best friends as well so no one is safe when “The Fighter” is over the limit.

“I’m not drunk…”

This one is fun….and ridiculously common. There’s always the one guy or gal that has prematurely decided to get wasted, which is fine, but they’ve also made a subconscious decision to never admit to being too drunk. I have fun with these folk because well, I make them ‘drink’ their words. Here’s a tip: when you identify this “I’m not drunk” person the best thing to do is persistently offer them drinks and well, the harder the better. Then when that poor sap finally bangs their forehead on your toilet bowl you smile to yourself for a job well done.

The Horny Drunk

Not only does this guy want to have sex with you fine ladies, but he thinks YOU want to have sex with HIM! So my only real advice here is to get the fuck out of dodge!

The Party Ruiner

I can only hope that you’re not a party ruiner, and/or have never had to deal with one but it’s likely that you have. This is possibly the drunkest muthafucker at the shindig and everyone knows it…or they’re about to. He/she will be dancing on tables and breaking house ware; on a good night. However, when this slush really unleashes their booze, there is sure to be blood. No, I’m serious…BLOOD! Haha and cops….and screaming, yelling, physical harm, etc. The Party Ruiner often ruins the party and a large portion of their lives. The best part about these clowns is….it is never their fault so don’t try to talk any sense into them please.

While the virtual list in my head goes on forever, I will conclude my analysis here. There are many other types of drunks that are both terrible and awesome to be around.

So why don’t you tell me about a few….